Did You Know . . . ?

Did you know that I struggle with depression? If you did, did you know that I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember? Did you know that everyday for as long as I can remember I would wake up and put on a happy face for everyone? I have been told by several people that I am the happiest person they've ever me. I'm sorry to hurt your image of me but I have never been truly happy.

Did you know that when I was younger and with a group of friend I was so scared that if I went to the bathroom alone that I would come out and everybody would be gone? I wouldn't go to the bathroom alone because I knew that if I took anybody else with me then they wouldn't leave. Did you know that I stayed inside everyday during recess to help my teacher in the classroom because I would rather do that then go outside and feel alone until the bell rang? Did you know that for most of my life I have felt completely alone? I may be with people but I've never really been part of a group. I've always been on the outside.

Did you know that I used to hate seeing my cousins because I knew that it would come with being made fun of? Did you know that I was called names by several people that hurt? I was made fun of for my acne and I have been called annoying and many other hurtful things. To this day I still feel like I am a burden on everybody and I am just that annoying girl that nobody wants to listen to talk and they wish she would just go away. Did you know that whenever I tried to tell an adult about being called names they would tell me to grow up and suck it up? They never actually did anything to stop it.

Did you know that I was dumped because I wasn't pretty enough or good enough for him? Since that day I haven't felt good enough for anybody. Did you know that I have never felt like anybodies first choice? I have always felt 2nd to everything. Everybody always had that person that they would rather be with than me. Did you know that I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep after spending the day by myself knowing that everybody else was out having fun and nobody thought to invite me.

Did you know that I am also not crying out for attention right now? Sometimes you just need to get things out there in front of everybody before you explode. Did you know that I hate being treated like I'm fragile? I'm not going to break. I don't need sympathy and I don't need to be criticized. Depression is an illness not a choice, please try to remember that.

I am just so confused

I have been crying over you for 7 months when I really shouldn’t have been because you hurt me. You hurt me so bad. But I miss you. I have always missed you. But just when I think the hole is finally going to begin to heal you are going to come in and tell me that you miss seeing me.

What does that even mean? How do I know that I can even trust you? You had pulled me out of my depression and it felt great, but then you pushed me back down. You pushed me lower than I ever was before, and I don’t know how to get back up. All I know is you.

The other day I was looking at your Facebook page. I saw how happy you look and it made me said. I was talking to my friend about it and she said “Why is it bad that he is happy?”  I replied with “It isn’t bad, I just wish he was happy with me.”

Now all of a sudden this. “I miss seeing you” I don’t know what to think about this. I am just so confused.

I Love Books

I love books so much. Many people think that I am crazy because I like to spend my time reading, but let me tell ya something. Reading is amazing. It is the best way to get away from the world and not have to worry about all of your other life problems (and it is way better for you than drugs).

When I read, I don't have to worry about being Christina Gocken a girl who sits at home most of her time and can't seem to keep a boyfriend for longer than 3 months. I don't have to worry about the stress of going off to college and whether or not I will have enough money to support myself. When I read, I can become the character. I can become Bella, who has 2 guys constantly fighting over her, or I can be in a world where I don't have to make any decisions and I can have my whole life planned out for me. I can experience love and loss and love again, sure there might be sad parts in the book, but I always know that the perfect happily ever after is a mere 100 pages away (give or take a few). I can live a life that is close to perfect (not a completely perfect life though, cuz that is boring, thank you Ms. Rallison). I can have the perfect guy that is hot, funny, nice, sweet, and a perfect gentleman (something that is becoming extinct).

The best part about it is that I don't have to worry about creating this life for myself, it is already right there for me. All I have to do is READ.

Flashmob Proposal

I hope that I get proposed to in a super cute way like this:)

First Line

So I have recently decided that I am going to write a book. Here is my first line. Tell me what you think (Is it catchy, too cheesy, ect.)

You aren't pretty enough, you aren't good enough, he can do so much better than you. These are things that every girl tells herself especially when she is in a relationship, but, what do you do when these are the reason why your boyfriend broke up with you?

I hate you

So I couldn't think what to write for my second post this week. So what I decided to do is I took an old post and changed every "love" to "hate" just to see how it would turn out. This is what it ended up as.

I hate you
I hate the way you smile

I hate how protective you are

I hate the way I fit into your arms

I hate how you are always there for me

I hate the things you do to make me happy

I hate how you can always make me feel better

I hate the way you can always make me feel safe

I hate how you can make all of my stress go away

I hate the way you look at me with love in your eyes

I hate the face you make when you are about to kiss me

I hate the way you can make something bad into something good

I hate the butterflies I get in my stomach every time I am going to see you.

I hate you

It doesn't all make a whole lot of sense. But it makes me feel a little bit better about life.

The Real Me

My name is Christina Gocken. The real me is someone that takes a lot of time to get to know. I like to keep to myself unless I know the person really well. There are only a few people that actually know a lot about me, and even then they don't know everything. I like to keep the real my locked up inside of me.

I am someone who gets hurt easily but can smile through her tears
I am someone who takes things to heart to much but can still face the world
I am someone who will cry herself to sleep but wake up the next morning happy
I am someone who is in pain, but will still put others before herself
I am someone who will cry until her eyes hurt, but try to hide her tears