I am just so confused

I have been crying over you for 7 months when I really shouldn’t have been because you hurt me. You hurt me so bad. But I miss you. I have always missed you. But just when I think the hole is finally going to begin to heal you are going to come in and tell me that you miss seeing me.

What does that even mean? How do I know that I can even trust you? You had pulled me out of my depression and it felt great, but then you pushed me back down. You pushed me lower than I ever was before, and I don’t know how to get back up. All I know is you.

The other day I was looking at your Facebook page. I saw how happy you look and it made me said. I was talking to my friend about it and she said “Why is it bad that he is happy?”  I replied with “It isn’t bad, I just wish he was happy with me.”

Now all of a sudden this. “I miss seeing you” I don’t know what to think about this. I am just so confused.

I Love Books

I love books so much. Many people think that I am crazy because I like to spend my time reading, but let me tell ya something. Reading is amazing. It is the best way to get away from the world and not have to worry about all of your other life problems (and it is way better for you than drugs).

When I read, I don't have to worry about being Christina Gocken a girl who sits at home most of her time and can't seem to keep a boyfriend for longer than 3 months. I don't have to worry about the stress of going off to college and whether or not I will have enough money to support myself. When I read, I can become the character. I can become Bella, who has 2 guys constantly fighting over her, or I can be in a world where I don't have to make any decisions and I can have my whole life planned out for me. I can experience love and loss and love again, sure there might be sad parts in the book, but I always know that the perfect happily ever after is a mere 100 pages away (give or take a few). I can live a life that is close to perfect (not a completely perfect life though, cuz that is boring, thank you Ms. Rallison). I can have the perfect guy that is hot, funny, nice, sweet, and a perfect gentleman (something that is becoming extinct).

The best part about it is that I don't have to worry about creating this life for myself, it is already right there for me. All I have to do is READ.

Flashmob Proposal

I hope that I get proposed to in a super cute way like this:)

First Line

So I have recently decided that I am going to write a book. Here is my first line. Tell me what you think (Is it catchy, too cheesy, ect.)

You aren't pretty enough, you aren't good enough, he can do so much better than you. These are things that every girl tells herself especially when she is in a relationship, but, what do you do when these are the reason why your boyfriend broke up with you?

I hate you

So I couldn't think what to write for my second post this week. So what I decided to do is I took an old post and changed every "love" to "hate" just to see how it would turn out. This is what it ended up as.

I hate you
I hate the way you smile

I hate how protective you are

I hate the way I fit into your arms

I hate how you are always there for me

I hate the things you do to make me happy

I hate how you can always make me feel better

I hate the way you can always make me feel safe

I hate how you can make all of my stress go away

I hate the way you look at me with love in your eyes

I hate the face you make when you are about to kiss me

I hate the way you can make something bad into something good

I hate the butterflies I get in my stomach every time I am going to see you.

I hate you

It doesn't all make a whole lot of sense. But it makes me feel a little bit better about life.

The Real Me

My name is Christina Gocken. The real me is someone that takes a lot of time to get to know. I like to keep to myself unless I know the person really well. There are only a few people that actually know a lot about me, and even then they don't know everything. I like to keep the real my locked up inside of me.

I am someone who gets hurt easily but can smile through her tears
I am someone who takes things to heart to much but can still face the world
I am someone who will cry herself to sleep but wake up the next morning happy
I am someone who is in pain, but will still put others before herself
I am someone who will cry until her eyes hurt, but try to hide her tears

I am afraid of.....

Being cheated on. I know that sounds really dumb but it is true. I have had many past experience's that make it hard for me to trust guys. I am also afraid of spiders! I hate them! If I see even a small one I will make someone come kill it for me. Something else that I am afraid of is the dark. Being alone in the dark at my house freaks me out but yet I am a techie freak. How that works I have no idea!!! Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I am also afraid of people. I hate talking to people that I don't know. It freaks me out. That is why I have a hard time making friends. It scares me to form relationships with people that might not work out. I like to stick with my old friends.

Marlena Meets Death. What happens?

For those of you who are just tuning in, Marlena is the main character in the short story that I wrote. (If you want to read it contact me and I will make that possible. Warning it is sad though) In my creative writing class we do different journals to help us get to know our character better. And the prompt was: Your main character meets death. What happens? Here is what I wrote.

I new something was wrong with Casey. Especially when I saw the hooded figure pass through my vision. I hated that I saw him. Why could death just leave me alone so that I didn't have to worry about what was happening to others. Sometimes it was kinda nice though. Especially when it has something to do with Casey.

This isn't exactly what happens in the story but it is kinda experimenting with a gift.

My Awesome Plan:)

Ok. So my favorite movie is Tangled. I love it so much! And in Tangled, Rapunzel is turning 18. The day before her birthday she says to Pascal "Tomorrow is a very big day Pascal! It's my birthday!"
Well my 18th birthday is in 13 days and it is on a Saturday. So the Friday before my birthday I am going to dress up as Rapunzel and carry around my Pascal stuffed animal and say "Tomorrow is a very big day Pascal! It's my birthday!" It is going to be great! And I am so excited!

My Top 3

I have done quite a few posts but my favorite ones right now would have to be:

1. The Life That No One Knows
2. My Heart
3. I Love You

Heartbreak

Dictionary.com - great sorrow, grief, or anguish.
intense and overwhelming grief, esp through disappointment

Also known as Heartbreak. One of the worst pains imaginable.

Almost everybody will experience heartbreak. However, no two people will experience heartbreak in the same way. There are so many things that factor into it that you can never predict how hard you will fall when he isn't there to catch you.

Sometimes it will be easy for you to get right back up and get yourself out there again. Other times it might be a little harder. You might have to work harder and keep putting on you fake smile, until you don't have to fake it anymore.

Strong

Sometimes bad things happen to me
I don't always like what happens
But sometimes I just need to put on a smile
And pretend like everything is ok
Because one day
In either the near or far future
Everything will be perfect
So always remember,
how to be strong

My Heart

I gave it to a boy

I told him it was fragile.

And to be careful.

At first he was gentle with it.

He made sure it was protected.

But then he began to be rough with it.

He liked to toss it around.

Now it feels like everyday,

He stabs it again.

He still has my heart.

I haven't asked for it back.

I don't want to.

The Life That No One Knows

There is a side of me that know one knows.

I like to keep it locked up in my little, pink box.

With the key around my neck.

But sometimes it gets over flowed

And I have to empty it out.

I don't like emptying it out.

It makes me feel exposed and weak.

I don't like feeling weak.

So I only let it out when I am alone.

And no one can see me cry.

I like to keep it to myself.

Where it can only affect me.

Day 5 - What Makes You Different From Everybody Else?

I am different then everybody else because I am weird and wacky and I love to do random stuff that most people that I am crazy for:)

Day 4 - Your Favorite Picture of Your Best Friend

I have too many best friends to choose just one :p

Day 3 - Your Idea of the Perfect Date

My idea of the perfect date would have to be going to a dance, looking like a princess. I would love to go to dinner before it then go to a dance with my boyfriend and just enjoy the evening and feel beautiful.

Embarrassing

The most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me would have to be during Merry Wives of Windsor. I was in charge of making sure that the table and all of the chairs got off the stage in about 10 seconds. Well one night I forgot to get enough people so I grabbed one person and we went out. The other person (who was a guy might I add) grabbed 2 of the chairs and left me with another chair and the table (which is not small at all). I didn't know what to do, so I grabbed the chair and the side of the table and started trying to get it all scooted off stage. It didn't work. The audience then burst out laughing at me, until someone finally came out to help me get it all of. That was an awful experience I must say.

Day 2 - Favorite Movie

I have a lot of favorite movies, it all kinda depends on the genre. Some of them are:
Taken
TANGLED!
This Means War
A Walk to Remember
Titanic
Hunger Games

Day 1 - Favorite Song

I have quite a few favorite songs. Some of them are:
Somebody that I used to----- Goyte
Stronger----- Kelly Clarkson

30 Day Challenge:)

Black

Black

By: Christina Gocken

 

Black is the night sky allowing the stars to shine

The flow of calligraphy, beautiful and fine

Black is the past left behind

The sleek dress that she is wearing

Black is the night in which you sleep

The tunnel right before you see the light at the end

Black is in all things

Jealousy

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.  ~Josh Billings

Jealousy is something that everybody has experienced. Jealousy is looking at all of the nit picky things that you don't have. Jealousy is looking through a microscope, trying to find all of the small things that don't really matter. Love is the opposite of jealousy. Love can conquer jealousy. Love is learning to look past all of the nit picky things and learning to love what you have instead of wanting what you don't.

I Love You

I love you
I love the way you smile

I love how protective you are

I love the way I fit into your arms

I love how you are always there for me

I love the things you do to make me happy

I love how you can always make me feel better

I love the way you can always make me feel safe

I love how you can make all of my stress go away

I love the way you look at me with love in your eyes

I love the face you make when you are about to kiss me

I love the way you can make something bad into something good

I love the butterflies I get in my stomach every time I am going to see you.

I love you

Stress!

Oh my goodness. Stress is a word that I am way too familiar with. Most days I wish I could just crawl underneath a blanket and forget about the world. This week especially was extremely stressful for me. I had tech until 9 every night plus it was the end of the term. I had troubles trying to get my grades up and I had to deal with a stupid teacher who wouldn't put my test in (and he still hasn't, I better not end up with an F because of it). Last night was the opening night of the show and boy is it going to be a memorable one. There was so much that went on that I didn't even get into the auditorium until about 20 minutes after the show had started. I really hope college won't be as stressful as it is now. Ha like that will happen.

My wonderful week

This week has been so crazy! I have had tech everyday this week until 7pm and as we get closer to the show I get more stressed out because the show opens on the same day that term ends and we aren't as far as we should be with the set production, but we are getting there. My grades aren't doing so hot either. They aren't extremely terrible, like I can still graduate, but they aren't where I want them to be. I need to work on that as well. On the plus side, I did get to go see my boyfriend on tuesday. That was great, because I hadn't seen him in like a month and I thought that I was going to die or something. That made my whole week tons better :)

Dreams

I really don't ever remember my dreams. I don't know why but I just don't. However, when I think of dreams I think of that song from Cinderella. The one that says " A dream is a wish your heart makes when your fast asleep" I love that song a lot. I think that it is totally true. If you have a dream about something and you actually remember it (unlike I do) then I think that it means that your subconscious wants you to know something. I believe that your subconscious knows that is best for you so you should probably listen to your dreams. Except dreams are kind of in code. So if in your dream you jump off of the edge of a building that doesn't mean that you should go jump off of the edge of a building. It might mean something completely different. I think it depends on the person and how you feel you should interpret your own dreams.

My Poem:)

So, In my creative writing class we were writing poems and my teacher gave us a challenge to make pink sound deppressing, here is my attempt at that challenge.
PINK

Pink is the heartbreak, the anger, the sorrow
Pink is the puckering wound from the knife in your back
Pink is the love from that boy, tattered and torn
Pink is your spit after that fight with your so called "friend"
Pink is the tainted anger you feel when you see them hand in hand
Pink is her aplogetic smile when she sees you
Pink is the mask you use to hide your feelings
Pink is the hint of forgiveness seen in your eyes
Pink is the heart that grows stronger with trial

Courage:)

Courage doesn't come easy. It is something that you have to work for and excersise. Wether it is being able to go talk to that really cute guy or just to your boyfriend. Maybe you don't have a hard time talking to people but it takes a lot of courage for you to sing in front of people or maybe you just don't like being home alone. What takes courage is different for everybody. No two people go through the same hardships that they have to over come. One of my favourite quotes is "I often pray for got to take down my mountains, when what I really need is the strength to climb them." I don't know who said it but it is pretty popular. I feel like that can be applied to courage. If we always have other people do the things that we are afraid of doing for us then we will never gain the courage to do it. We need to pray for the strength to overcome our fears.

Fear

Fear
Fear can be the clenching in your chest.
Fear can be the sudden urge to flee.
Fear can be the want to cower in a corner and disappear.
Fear can be the cause of pain.
Fear can be the stalker watching you in the night.
Fear can be the Achilles heel for you.
Fear can be the emotion under your mask.
Fear can be the nightmare that wakes you up.
Fear

Dr Horrible On the Rise

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video

My Happy Email:)

So on Friday night I received a very wonderful email! I knew that I should be hearing from BYU sometime soon so I have been checking my email every single day in hopes that I would receive some good news. I checked my email of Friday night and there weren't any new emails. I was kinda disappointed but I knew that it would come soon anyway. About an hour later I decided to get on and check one last time for the night. I got on and I had one new email from CES Admissions and I knew that that was it. I clicked on the link that would take me to their decision and discovered that I had to type in my ID and password (Which I didn't know). So I had to call my mom and get it. After I typed in all of the information all I saw was "Congratulations!" I was so happy! I was screaming so loud!

Poem that Matters

Still I Rise


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.


Maya Angelou

Italy Hand Gestures:)

Ok, I admit, I am really wierd. In english we are doing a research project, and we have to do it on a culture that is outside of the US and I decided to to do it Italian Hand Gestures. I AM LOVING IT! I love learning all of the different things that you can do to say things without having to actually say it! You would think that since it is a research project that I would think that it was stupid and boring but I am having so much fun with you don't even know!

Creativity:)

Ep. 604: See The Silhouettes!


The Silhouettes are an amazing example of creativity because I have never seen anything like what they do. They have taken light and have created an amazing thing out of it.

TheTechieFreak

        Most of the time when I say that I do tech I get responses such as "Tech? What the heck is that?" or "Oh, is that where you work with computers?" and my reply goes something like this "Tech is where you paint and build the sets for plays." Then they say "Oh, that is cool." Then they walk away. Tech is my favorite thing to do in the whole world. Painting set pieces is my passion. I would give almost anything to be able to work on broadway.

        Tech also includes, but is not limited to, working with the sound or light board. I love to do that too. I am happiest when I am painting for a show or setting lights for a dance concert, it is also one of my most stressed times as well though. I like to believe that the stress is good for my but maybe not, but like I said, I would give anything for tech.